This is kinda just me. talking as if im talking to a therapist.
so.. If you dont wana listen. go away, This I just need to open it,say a bunch of stuff, explain some stuff.
Also my tablet dosent work right now so heres some stuff ive done with a mouse.. doodling with a mouse just brakes up my typing and hopefully gives you something to look at while I do this..
So things have not been all good latley, It seems like they have but theres still something wrong, Ive just cleaned up a bunch of stuff today I had so many cans laying around, cloths unwashed, building up, So whats the issue? well im not 'sick' or nothing, I still exersize the same and still try do the same stuff, but, I havent been cleaning stuff, or making stuff, or drawing as much. lost sight of image, less makeup, I havent had my hair cut in such a long long time it feels, and sorry to ruin the image of me but. I havent even dyed it for. a while it just became too long to manage with that,.. so is this a Max is depressed and wants to rant about it thing? no. this is more... thinking.
You see I rember the best times of my life, I was that pink haired person who drove a muscle car and life was awsome, so what changed? I dunno life I guess, It kinda became impractical to maintain such old cars for daily use, and I kinda got a little loanly due to the fact that all my freinds have turned into adults.. with me. So they all have familys, there all busy, doing... Family stuff? and I pretty much have work then free time... thats really it? so I spend a lot of time here, drawing modding, wich is why I let my image drop latley. But thats only part of it. so let me explain the real issue here.
I am Not creative.
Some people.. at this point are going to wonder exactly what I mean, Might be slightly confused?
So lets see.
I Draw comics, I make mods, I draw pictures.
That. Sounds like creativity Right?
But what do I draw?
Picutres of cars, carmageddon scenes, girls with big boobs, and portraits of me and my freinds with silly faces, Mostly drawn from memes or rage comics. None of that really is creative,
Carmageddon scenes, Its not really hard to draw cars racing, or running over people, Drawing powerups and such, None of this is new, and Czech has allready done a way better job of making it in a comic, Only he actully added his own cool things at times, where as I just.. tend to redraw the same crap...
so now everybody just sees me as somene that draws the same things, does the same things, and has an un-natural obsession with lifeguards and boobs.
well the.. reson I draw these things is .. I Like drawing these things? To be bluntly honist I dont see the point in drawing something Im not really intrested in drawing... Unless I draw it for somebody.
anyway back to it. the reson all my pics kinda look the same? the car position the poses.
I find something I become good at, and do the same thing, because I like how it turned out, this makes me better at this one thing, Meaning I draw the same more because it turns out better again.. This tho, makes everything else I do lag behind.
For example I cant draw the male body very well I feel like I have no real knowlage there, I am better at scared expressions than others? I can draw cars the best from the front. with perspective type background, because its an easy point to focus on.
Oh and the lifeguards and busty bikini girls? Well Like I said, I love this stuff, and I like to see it because it dosent happen very much, so I fill the gap... Seriusly whens the last time you saw a carmageddon pic, with bikini girls, or lifeguards, that wasent anything to do with me in any way? Yeah Ive kinda ruined carmageddon...
So thats why I think I lack creativity
- Drawing the same thing over and over
- Not having any real ideas and constantly asking 'What should I draw?'
- The constant mind blanks when I try make comics
Hell lots of my comic stuff is inspired by what I see anyway. even subconsiusly, Ill draw something I think is new. and it turns out ive allready seen that. as I then rember... damn..
Oh and Im a long time C1 and C2 modder too right?
Really when was the last time I made anything that was not just a direct replica of a real life car re-created in carma, Yeah I like doing it, and Without sounding like an ass I belive I became fairly good at recreating things.. Given the tools I had that were older than most COD players.it was fun, but looking back I never really did anything.. New.. other than truck mod, and well thats just playing with bounding boxes, the idea was allready there Im just the one who happend to finish it.
I cant really think up anything 'new' Ideas are hard...
'Banging my head against the wall'
I Said I would carry on with the comic game, I said it was my turn
I said I would finish the comic of nobby in hell
I said I would keep doing episodes of Carmageddon Online
I said I was going to finish the carmageddon sonic comic.
I. am unreliable,
Even to myself, even with all that I still had a weekly comic planed feturing rednecks in carmageddon, Had planned another comic about hell, odbviusly with busty sucubi, I even had a comic planed with carma crossovers. Like a wreck it ralph world carmageddon thing.. but never started those ones.
Ideas, I forget all my ideas, I strugle to come up with any, most I think of I remember I saw on tv, I feel like I can only recycle ideas rather than coming up with things, I cant even make people laugh in real life other than when I dont mean to, or just make stupid sounds.
So whats my biggest issue here? Does just because im not overly orignal mean that people disslike my stuff? well.. No people have openly told me they enjoy what I do, but I have a conflict about what I really want? I mean.... what do I want?
Well My first answer would be 'I want to be an entertainer' because I love spreading joy, I love seeing the reactions of something I make, and I love being.. Liked,
So how do you do something people like? Well you.. work with something popular I guess? Something you really like, thats allso really popular?
Ask blogs are popular right now arnt they? Dark ones, with girtty drawings?
But oh hey look. Its a not orignal character that you did not make up.
well damn, but, I have been happy enough, Doodling crap the same, modding the same stuff, and drawing samy comics.
My current biggest issue is self confidnace I guess? I cant tell if Im funny or not.. Like I allready said I think Im not tho.. but who knows.
Currently Im kinda bummed about the whole 'nobody cares' attitude, I know its not true but, its hard to keep motivated at times. WE are all attention seekers. Im allways more happy when someone comments on stuff.
WIch is part of it, Im on a number of diffrent websites, doing diffrent things, and it seems like everythings dried up, Its impossible to get comments on devintart. My art topic here sinks like a rock, and the other places Im just invisable,
So I guess in the end, after getting all that out, it comes down to one thing,
Do you think I should carry on doing what Im doing, the same way Im doing it? Ill never be, famus or anything but I allways wanted a small fanbase and such of my work, I like.. to create.
And what kind of carmageddon art do you like?.. if any, do ya care about art?
Just so ya know Ill fill in this, Im ok, I may be messy and untidy and not sleep enough of late, but Ive got in touch with parents, and well They are helping, so that I dont fall into a deep depression cycle, I am going to get real cleaned up, hair dyed, styled, new cloths, redecoration of house and start this whole fresh thing
I just want to thank you very much for reading this and for any comments
and if anybody could give me some tips id greatly apreciate that, Tips on how to be more creative insted of just recycling jokes, and drawing the same thing, tips on how to be... Intresting, Id hate to come across as very boring.
Im now going to lay down, take a nap, and get rested up from my lack of sleep. Ive been getting about 4 hours a night for a while now.
Oh one last thing
I spent a real long time just typing that out, to click the Post button and be greeted with.
Imagine if I did not back it up huh?
I think my mind would have snaped in half if I dident.
Damnit therapists.. if you want to help me why do I have to pay